"The Mommy Wars" has become a contentious conversation in the past decade that argues the virtues of women staying home to raise a family v.s. working outside of the home in addition to raising a family.
Generally, any argument can be suspect with the "this is the one right way" dialog, which leads to no resolution. In fact this particular "conversation" that women have, is yet just another way that women polarize and/or isolate themselves from each other. How can you distinguish which is "more" difficult?... Either way it's tough.
A woman who returns to her career at least keeps her foot in the door as a professional, but she makes about 20% less then her sisters who aren't mothers. For the mom at home, there's no money, pension, retirement fund, health insurance, status or positive social accommodations provided to her. So, whether you stay home all the time with your kids, or work in addition to raising your kids, a good portion (or ALL) of your efforts are discounted and go uncompensated for.
I've been personally up to my own ears with this conundrum. When I got divorced 13 years ago, I had 5 kids between the ages of 15-3 and I had been the sole caretaker, and the "stay at home" mom we read about for all the years of my children's lives. It was a huge job, usually on little or no sleep - and I didn't have much help with it, even though I was married.
I left the marriage with a whopping 1% of the estate (stupidly, I signed a prenup) and we were actually quite well off, so that hurt some. I was awarded 7 years of "spousal support" (it was about $700/mo. and decreased every year), and received an average of $625.00/child until they turned 18 (that fluxuated depending on his salary, and he never "cheated" me out of what I had been promised by the courts - it was generally just not enough), then I didn't receive any more for that kid. Anyone with young adults for kids knows that they don't just leave at 18. My youngest is now 15, and I'm actually seeing a huge shift in my income.
Imagine that. I actually can put some time into my career, and it's really starting to take off.
Keep in mind, I did have quite a bit to do with our making that collective wealth. Not only was I involved in the actual businesses we ran, but due to my efforts to single handedly raise the kids, I effectively freed up their father to do what he had to do, to bring in the money.
Upon becoming single after 15 years of marriage, I was faced with all the same work I was doing prior to getting a divorce, AND the added challenge of providing money too. Clearly, I wasn't going to be able to live on what their dad was giving, but I also didn't know how to work and take care of the kids at the same time. Childcare was too expensive and I wasn't sure they would receive the care I could provide as their mother. So, I simply decided that I would do whatever work I could, for whatever pay I could get that would insure that I could be with my little ones after school. I also realized that we would just be a bit "poor".
Now, in my late '40's I'm finally in a position to build a nice business, and I have a mountain of debt to climb out from under, too.
Was it worth it? Well, yes!
I have 5 pretty remarkable kids, most of whom are in their '20's. They are well rounded, kind, and thoughtful people who are adding value in our community. So, yes, I did a good job. Now, I can focus more on my business, and less on my family - but there are times when I feel that I really got the short end of the stick.
Recently, I stumbled onto Salary.com's "Mom Salary Wizard" which lets you create your own "Mom paycheck". A bit cheesy, but upon seeing it I finally felt vindicated. Personally, I've been sick of being undervalued in my position as a as a single "working" mother.
Right there, the idea that "work" means that it has to happen outside of raising kids is laughable. What Salary.com did was identify all the varying "jobs" that a stay at home mother did, and the number of hours a week she performed the work then established rate of pay for it.
Here's a breakdown of activities, and hours spent by the stay at home mom according to their research;
Housekeeper: 18.9 hours
Day Care Center Teacher: 16.8 hours
Cook - Institution: 12.1 hours
Computer Operator: 8.2 hours
Laundry Machine Operator: 7.5 hours
Facilities Manager: 6.4 hours
Janitor: 6.1 hours
Van Driver: 5.9 hours
Psychologist: 5.8 hours
Chief Executive Officer: 4.1 hours
All jobs combined: 91.8 hours/week (!!!)
Then, you can plug in where you live and it gives you the; low, median, and high rates of pay. For instance, I live in Santa Cruz, California and get these numbers for the "stay at home" mom;
Local Low: $127,052
Local Median: $152,038
Local High; $187,901
For the Nation, these are the numbers;