Stage 1: The victim feels hurt, demeaned, angry, embarrassed, humiliated and confronts her/his abuser. The abuser responds with belligerence, in fact outraged at the victim's audacity in challenging the abuse. In order to establish stabilization and to "make things better," the victim usually placates the abuser's “feelings.? This scenario is played out each time the victim confronts the abuser about his/her serial abusive behavior.
?Stage 2: The abuser, pathological as s/he is, is not placated at all. In fact, s/he now has contempt because s/he easily conned the person s/he wants to respect, because his/her partner is another easy-to-manipulate patsy. S/he continues to engage in his/her favorite psycho-hobby, which is to level even more abuse, i.e., anger, blaming, arguing, threats, and intimidation about being confronted as well as the core abuse.
?Stage 3: In an insincere reconciliation charade, the abuser apologizes, offers excuses, denies or minimizes the extent of the abuse, resorts to blaming the victim, or says the victim is over reacting.
?Stage 4: The victim invariably gives in to the abuser to keep the peace and the incident is "swept under the rug." S/he denies (to him/herself and others) that any abuse has taken place. Denial is a powerful human defense mechanism that allows the victim to relegate the incident—more often then not, many incidents—to the back burner of his/her consciousness.
?Stage 5: The victim completely caves in to his/her abuser because she/he deeply believes that without him/her, he/she is nothing! Frequently, a woman does not have her husband’s status, charisma, or track record of success. Women may display a veneer of confidence, intelligence and capability, but deep down inside she often believes her future is completely dependent on her abuser’s money, prestige, status, connections and power ?and his ability to destroy her! She has seen what he has done to others and she knows what he has already done to her! While she is burning with impotent rage, she still figures that sticking with him is better than leaving him, and she trusts that somehow, some way, she will survive more intact financially and emotionally if she stays than if she leaves.