Know Thy Worth (Overcoming The Dragon Of Low Self-Esteem)
When I was in my twenties and thirties, I heard women in their forties quote that "life gets better after 40". I would mentally brush them off and annoyingly say under my...

When I was in my twenties and thirties, I heard women in their forties quote that "life gets better after 40". I would mentally brush them off and annoyingly say under my breath, "Yea! Yea! Now that I am a card carrying member of the forties club, I can truly say that life really DOES get better after 40. I know most women hate revealing their age but for the sake of making this point I will! After 46 years of being a conformist, I discovered "the real me" and what makes "me" happy. For so many years, I battled through an "identify crisis" self-manufactured to please others, some of who were not deserving of my time! The "me" I discovered was wrapped in layers of dead skin piled on by failed relationships, rejections by family and friends, depression, anxiety, and unfulfilled dreams that invoked massive and destructive feelings of low self-esteem.

After the breakup of my second marriage, I sought the counsel of a very powerful pastor, preacher, and prophetess named Pastor Cordelia Wallace. I met and heard Pastor Wallace minister at a Women's conference, in Washington DC, at Bishop G. Porter's church, Cathedral of Light.

During the time that our paths intertwined, I was feeling despondent and heartbroken because my husband of one year had abandoned me. Several years later, once again feeling hurt and despondent after reconciling with my husband and receiving his second and final decision to leave, I called Pastor Wallace at her residence seeking her guidance and advice. After crying my eyes out about my losses and setbacks, she asked me a set of very important questions. What do you want to do for you? What makes you happy? Do you like yourself? Honestly, I did not know the answers to these simplistic yet probing questions. I did not have my own exclusive identity. My church, employment, and social activities were interdependent on my family as well. Simply put, I was a follower; bound by fetters and chains embellished by those who appeared to have my best interest at heart; whose true identities were camouflaged.

From an early age, my thoughts were encompassed with desires of marriage, having children, achieving a certain societal status, living in a certain neighborhood with my family, and so on. I never solely considered what would make me a whole and happy person separate from anyone else. I married in my late teens, started a family in my late teens, and became consumed with the triad roles of wife, mother, and church member (each which were of equal importance).

Without notification, I experienced the "interruption of everything" that I revered vital to me. My children were grown; living their own lives and making their own decisions (the empty nest syndrome). My marriage was over (the second time around) and I was left with a hole in my chest larger than the Grand Canyon. What was a forty-something woman (with children) to do? The time of my life that I thought I would be settling down; I was now faced with starting something new. I never ever imagined life without a man living with or sleeping next to me. I feared being alone and now my greatest fear had come to fruition.

If you would allow me, I would like to digress a moment and speak on the triad roles that were so important to me-marriage, motherhood, and religion. Most of my life has been spent trying to please others. The pressure of conformity can often mislead and misguide us in taking courses of actions that were not specifically designed for our destinies. Oftentimes, we embark on journeys that are off-course, unproductive, destructive, and out of sequence with the blueprint in which God had created for us--while we were yet in our mother's womb. As I stated, at an early age it was instilled in me the expectation to grow up and find a "good" man and be a "good" wife. Then, I had to produce "good children" for that "good man" so that we could be a "good" family. I lived my whole adolescent and teen life with that Leave It To Beaver image lodged in my mind. Although the family images around me were less than perfect (domestic violence, infidelity, etc.), the bar was raised higher for me. The implied expectation level was to have a better life - a better marriage.

Religion was another factor that contributed to my illusive idea of the model family image. Church mothers adorned in long-sleeved (even in the Summer), ankle-length dresses, accessorized with matching hats that could double as fruit baskets, deposited messages of "submissiveness" and "submergence" (the weaker vessel syndrome) that conjured up images of women being subservient or under their men (as the prefix "sub" means by virtual definition). Linked with the "sub" messages, were the proverbial sexual reminder that it is "better to marry" than to burn. The thought of burning eternally in hell due to a misguided sexual fantasy scared me to death and quickly set me on a course to find a husband before I "bust hell wide open" (smile). Seriously, not once did anyone encourage me to love myself first and then I could love another nor did anyone ask the question Pastor Wallace asked, "What do you want?"#p#????#e#

And then there was the marriage thing! The significance of being single and happy was overshadowed by the misnomers of "your time clock is ticking" or "being an "old maid" if you were not married by a certain time. Therefore, some women (myself included) rushed, settled, and were sucked into relationships that were not suitable or compatible just to escape that dreadful label. The taboos of being over thirty, single, and childless were certainly not a societal ills that I wanted to tackle, nor did I want to face the stigma of being alone. Now here I stand, two husbands later, with three grown children, facing my greatest fear; being alone. What would I do all by myself? How will I make it? This was a place that I've never envisioned. How would I manage? Frankly, I never had a place of my own. I went from living in my mother's home to living with my husband. I never had the responsibility of meeting my own financial obligations - until now!

Little did I know that my whole destiny was about to change and that my greatest fear was about to become my greatest asset. Little did I know that a butterfly was about to emerge out of her cocoon to experience the "best years of her life".

Ladies, let me tell you that I learned some valuable lessons during this time of transition; I call it from crucifixion (the death of my flesh) to resurrection (spiritual rebirth).

The first thing I learned is that I am NEVER alone. My relationship with God became so personal that it amazed me. A former Pastor used to repeatedly tell me, "Get to know God for yourself!" I believed that I truly knew God but not like I know Him now, and everyday brings new discoveries - I hunger for more knowledge of Him. I never understood the definition of true intimacy until I fell in love with Christ. I discovered that He cares so much for me and that He becomes all things to me at all times. In the times when I didn't know where and how I was going to meet my obligations (lost my job for four months, foreclosure dangling over my head); He came through right on time as JEHOVAH JIREH - My Provider! When doubt and discouragement ganged up on me and tried to convince me that I was insufficient, inadequate, and incapable, He revealed Himself as EL SHADDAI - My Sufficient One! When loneliness and depression boldly stood up in my face and made me cry out in desperation because of isolation, He let me know that He is JEHOVAH-SHAMMAH, He is always there. That is why my confidence is in HIM - my husbandman!

Secondly, I learned the proverbial meaning of "walking by faith and not by sight". There were times when I couldn't see my way out of a paper bag - but I survived - through blind faith. There still are times when the bills supersede the finances but I persevere and He always has a "ram in the bush". I'll be the first to admit that yes, I have had some financial, emotional, spiritual and lack of intimacy challenges; however God has keep me and met every one of my needs. Did I tell you that I went from renting a townhouse for $950 a month to purchasing a house with a mortgage of $1900 a month, without a substantial increase in my salary? Did I tell you that I purchased my house with no money down and that the seller's paid the closing at a time when it was unheard of because it was a "sellers' market"? Did I tell you that the contract ended abruptly on my job, without warning, (I just showed up at the office one morning and was out of a job) a few weeks before closing on my house but the deal closed anyway? Did I tell you that the engine blew in my car leaving me without any source of transportation but He blessed me with a new car a month or so later? I could go on and on! I am increasingly aware that there is nothing that I have done of my own to earn any of this - it has been by faith and through the miracles directed and generated by the Favor of God. I have lost some material things as the result of my divorces, but I have gained much more than I lost because I have peace of mind, love for myself, love for others, joy unspeakable, freedom to make choices, and a hope for tomorrow.

Thirdly, I know who I am. I am entrepreneur-I know how to make something out of nothing. I am a published author-I am sharing my life lessons and serving as a witness to countless of people globally! I am a playwright-my first professional play opened to a sell-out crowd, without additional financial backing or corporate sponsorship. I am a minister-I am a servant of the Most High and my mission is to aid in saving souls, being a mouthpiece for God telling people that they can be saved and live freely without condemnation. I am a woman of purpose-my destiny is clear and my navigation is on-course...this ship is going somewhere! I am a mother-I have carried, nurtured, and empowered two male seeds of Abraham and a daughter of Zion, heirs to the promise. Each day of my life I am seeking how I can birth spiritual sons and daughters so that the kingdom of God can be fruitful and multiply. I come from great parentage, my Father is the greatest and most powerful Father in the whole world-I am royalty, I am a King's kid. Yes, I know who I am and I know my worth.#p#????#e#